


The Dibley History Project

by kinky_kneazle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Vicar of Dibley
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-22
Updated: 2009-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-21 11:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/224894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinky_kneazle/pseuds/kinky_kneazle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geraldine Granger-Kennedy is happy, and she wants her parishioners to be happy.  So she decides to act as matchmaker for the parish council's newest member and it's surliest – Remus Lupin and Stephen Snape</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dibley History Project

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nehalenia](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=nehalenia).



> Much love to my beta for reassuring me that some people might find this amusing. Many thanks to for this prompt – not only was it fun to write, but it gave me a _really_ good reason to go out and buy The Vicar of Dibley box set. It is AU in that Severus and Remus both survived (and Tonks was madly in love with Charlie). It is set in the year following the final VoD episode, and may mess up their canon dates somewhat, but since they pay no attention to canon I saw no reason why I should have to.

_The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He lee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-eadeth me to-ooooo still waters…_

"Your choir has a lovely soloist, Vicar."

Geraldine sighed as she and her companion walked – fine, she waddled and he walked – past the church on their way to the council meeting.

"Yes, yes, she's lovely," she replied with very little enthusiasm. "But I've heard that song over a thousand times and I just wish she'd learn something new."

"A thousand times?" He sounded astonished.

"Once a week at practice and once a week during mass for over ten years. Ah, here we are. Hurry up, they've probably already started."

As she made her way into the Parish hall she thought about what a find this Remus Lupin was.

When she'd turned up on his doorstep she'd declared that her ankles were too swollen and she was far too tired for her bodacious babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom bit. Instead of smiling politely and closing the door in her face he'd invited her in and presented her with chocolate hidden in a hollowed out history text. She'd decided that if she wasn't already married to the most wonderful soon-to-be-father in all Christendom that she'd have a crack at him. Then she'd told him if he was ever in an emergency that her stash was in her bible and talked him into joining the parish council.

She wondered what they'd think of him. He was good looking in a graying, sad, hideously scarred sort of way. He was soft-spoken and gentle and she hoped that he'd be patient with the others. He was the last in a long line of townies that she'd tried to bring into the council to represent the new part of town. They'd mostly been disasters.

Her husband was the worst – he'd objected strongly to Owen's suggestions of what she could do with him after she'd provided Harry with an heir – but there was also the doctor who'd tried to take over David's role, the psychologist who'd decided Frank needed therapy to get past his boring streak and the female lawyer who'd threatened sexual harassment charges when Owen said he wanted her in an Owen-sheep sandwich. Only Stephen had worked out and that was mainly due to the way he'd bonded with David over their hatred of the imbeciles of the village.

Hopefully Remus would work out and she could go back to enjoying her husband and pregnancy rather than trying to find a newcomer who'd fit into the asylum they called a parish council.

"Sorry I'm late everyone!" she said as she breezed through the doors. "But I've brought our newest member. This is –"

"Lupin." She was astonished to hear that much venom in Stephen's voice.

"Snape!" Remus only sounded surprised.

"You two know each other? How wonderful. Everyone, this is Remus Lupin, newly arrived in the village. Remus this is Owen Newitt."

Owen grunted.

"Hugo Horton."

"Hello!" Hugo waved, cheery as ever.

"David Horton our chair. Frank Pickle, our secretary and Jim Trott. And Stephen you know."

"Stephen?"

"Yes, Stephen! You said you knew each other. Pay attention, Remus!"

"Oh, _Stephen_. We called him little Stevie at school, so it didn't click." Stephen was scowling, but Owen found it amusing.

"Little Stevie? Sounds like a name for your ding dong, doesn’t it?"

"No, no, no, no, no nothing little about mine." While Jim and Owen laughed Geraldine was still back on school.

"Do shut up, you two," she said to Owen and Jim. "You two went to school together?" Remus nodded while Stephen smirked. "At St Brutus' School for the Criminally Insane? Obviously they did wonders for Stephen, but are you quite cured?" Now Remus was frowning.

"St Brutus School for the Criminally Insane?" Remus looked at Stephen who Geraldine saw was still smirking. "I'm sorry Vicar, I think you've been misled. We went to a boarding school called St Godric's and it's not for the criminally insane." He thought for a moment. "At least not usually."

"I've never heard of a St Godric," Geraldine said while sinking into a seat.

"He's Scottish," said Remus and everyone nodded as if that explained everything.

"He's the patron saint of village idiots," added Stephen.

"Maybe we can rededicate our church," said David. "Sounds perfect for Dibley. In the meantime can we get on with it? We've got a lot to get through today."

Overall the Vicar was impressed with Remus Lupin – he spoke rarely, never made crude jokes and didn't seem to be getting more and more frustrated by the usual distractions and tangents of the council meeting, unlike Stephen and David. It was when they came to the last item on the agenda that she realized his presence was a gift from God.

"As you are all aware the Royal British History Society gave us some money to write a history of Dibley as a chapter in their Village Histories book. That was nine months ago and due to a number of incidents –" David glared around the table at all of them. "It has yet to be completed."

"Come now, David. A Dibley history wouldn't be complete without the fairies," said Geraldine.

"Or the Dibley bunny," said Hugo.

"Or the minutes from the last four decades of council meetings," added Frank.

"No, no, no, no, nor my Great-Aunt Hilda's habit of running naked across the fields under the full moon."

"She was potty, that one," said Owen.

"Maybe she thought she was a witch," said Hugo.

"Or a werewolf," said Stephen and Geraldine noticed that this got him a glare from Remus.

"My point is," said David raising his voice. "My point is we need to produce something in the next three months and we've scared off every historian invited to the place. Any ideas?"

"Couldn't we just give the money back?"

"No Owen, we couldn't, since it's almost gone paying for historians you lot scared away."

"I'll do it."

Everyone looked around trying to figure out who spoke.

"I'm working on a history of Oxfordshire, so as long as I can use any research for my own work as well, I'll even do it for free."

It had been so long since anyone had so simply volunteered that utter silence reigned in the hall.

"Unless you don't want me to," Remus continued after a moment.

"No!" David and Geraldine cried in unison.

"We'd love you to," said Hugo. "It would really help us out of a jam."

"We're just not used to such a Christian attitude of volunteerism."

Everyone around the table nodded except Stephen whom Geraldine noticed had snorted.

"Perhaps I can get together with you tomorrow David, to discuss what the society requires?"

"Of course, of course." David stood up. "I think that's all for today. Remus, welcome to the council."

"Yes, Remus," said Geraldine. "I'm sure you'll enjoy living here. We try to have lots of activities. Keep the community spirit strong."

"Yes, Lupin. Once a year there's a church service for the animals of the village. I'm sure you'll feel right at home there." And with that Stephen walked from the hall.

* * *

 _Severus,_

 _Perhaps we should get together over a cup of tea and get our stories straight. St Brutus School for the Criminally Insane? What else have you told these poor people?_

 _I must also admit that I'm curious about how you came to be here. Hermione swears she saw you in Australia when she picked up her parents after the war, though last I heard you'd died in a tragic tango accident in Argentina._

 _It's nice to see a familiar face, so perhaps afternoon tea tomorrow?_

 __

Remus

 **  
_Lupin,_   
**

_  
**Our story appears to be that we went to St Godric's School, Scotland. I think we can agree that we weren't friends and didn't really know each other and leave it at that. No need for cozy chats.**   
_

_  
**Dumbledore told me about St Brutus – a story pushed on Potter by his muggle relatives one year – and perhaps a better school choice for him. I assumed it was an actual muggle school, but apparently not.**   
_

_  
**As for why I'm in Dibley, that's really none of your business. I'd be obliged if you could stay out of my way as much as possible.  
**   
_

S. Snape

  


* * *

There was a story between Stephen and Remus, Geraldine just knew it. And she told her husband so that night.

"There's a story between Stephen and that new fellow, Remus. I just know it, Harry," she said.

"You're not going to get involved are you, Gerry? You know that never turns out well."

She turned and pointed her chocolate smeared finger at him. "I'll have you know that when I interfere it always turns out well. Look at Alice and Hugo – ten years together and ten beautiful children, the eldest seven named after me. Geraldine, Julie, Andrew, Mary, Poppin, Dick and Van."

"I'm just glad you talked them out of naming number eight Dyke."

"It would have put all sorts of expectations on the girl, wouldn't it?"

"What about the time you invited Elton John to the fair. That didn't turn out."

"Sure it did. We got Kylie Minogue instead, didn't we?" She grinned.

"You," Harry said kissing her on the nose, "have God's own luck."

Geraldine looked fondly at the picture of Christ on her wall. "He's on my side, Harry."

"Still, I'd be careful around Stephen Snape. He doesn't look like the sort you should mess with."

"I'm a vicar, Harry. It's my job to meddle."

  
And meddle she would, she thought to herself as she waddle-marched towards Horton Manor dragging Stephen Snape in her wake.

"Oh, Vicar. How lovely to see you." It was Alice who answered the door.

"Hello Alice. I'm here to see David."

"He's in the parlour with Mr. Lupin. Hello Mr. Snape. I like that colour on you." Stephen was in head-to-toe black, as usual.

"Vicar," he said completely ignoring Alice. "I'm really not interested in seeing Remus sodding Lupin."

"Really Stephen. Language. There's a child present."

"Alice Horton may have the brain of a six year old, but with ten children to her name she can hear the odd mild curse."

Alice didn't seem to realise she'd been insulted but the Vicar frowned at Stephen. "I was talking about the child in my womb."

"That thing can't even bloody hear yet."

She hit him as she walked through to the parlour in time to hear David's question.

"Why did you move to Dibley?"

"I guess I was looking for somewhere quiet to concentrate on my research and to be a base into other areas of Oxfordshire. Dibley has quite a history. Did you know Elizabeth the First spent the night here once."

"I did," said Geraldine, remembering the mental image of a statue the story had conjured. "She ate some bad flounder and spent the night throwing up."

"There have been Lupins in the village before, haven't there Father?" Hugo was standing so quietly in a corner that she hadn't even noticed he was there.

"Yes," said David. "The family had been in these parts for quite some time. The last Lupins left when you were a boy. Their young son got sick – cancer, I think – and they moved to London to be closer to treatment. You used to play with him Hugo. Nice family. Sane, which is a rarity around here. Are you any relation, Remus?"

"I am. I'm that young boy."

"Oh goody. Maybe we can play together again!" Everyone in the room turned to stare at Hugo.

"Well, thank heaven you got better," said Geraldine breaking the silence. "Have you come up with an action plan for the history project?"

"Yes. I'm going to let Remus look at the family archives and we'll arrange for him to talk with some of the older members of the parish. He thinks something looking at the more recent history would fit the society's brief well."

"Of course, the minutes of parish council meetings and the like always end up being fascinating," said Remus.

"Well for that you need Frank," said Stephen, finally joining in the conversation. "He'd love to talk you through the records."

"Lovely." Remus smiled and Geraldine wondered if anyone could be as patient and harmless as he seemed.

"Yes, it does sound lovely, Stephen. You should go along with him. Smooth the way."

"That's really not necessary, Vicar."

"Yes _Vicar_. You heard the man. He doesn't need help." It was nice hearing Stephen sound worried.

"You know Frank, Stephen." She turned to Remus. "He really will be easier to handle with someone he knows along. I'll meet you both at the church at ten tomorrow and take you up there myself." She smiled to herself. Getting them working together was sure to ease that animosity.

Stephen sighed and stood. "Very well, Vicar. I think you've done everything you came here to do, so shall we get going?"

"Oh no. I have to talk to David. You and Remus go ahead."

Stephen pushed past a smiling Remus, scowling.

"What did you want to see me about, Vicar?" asked David.

"Ssh! Nothing." She walked to the door to see if she could hear anything.

"… you change your name?" Remus was asking.

"My given name didn't fit in very well around here. And I wanted a new start. Why _didn't_ you change yours?"

"My father has always been a scholar of Roman history, Severus."

"Do try to remember to call me Stephen, Lupin. Or Snape would be even better. Otherwise I'll put a taboo on the name and pop up and belt you every time you say it."

"Of course. My apologies."

The door softly closed as they went out to the street.

"Vicar, what _are_ you doing?"

"There's some history there and I intend to get to the bottom of it. For instance, did you know Stephen used to go by another name?"

"You're meddling. Stop it."

"Good things happen when I meddle. Look at Hugo and Alice."

"They got married and I got Alice for a daughter-in-law. These are exactly the sort of disastrous consequences I'm referring to."

"You also got you grandchildren, Pop-pop, and don't try to pretend that was disastrous." When she saw she'd won her argument she stepped out onto the street.

  
When she arrived at the church the next morning she saw that Remus and Stephen, Severus, whatever his name was, had arrived before her. She ducked behind a handy hedge to see what she could hear this time.

It sounded like they'd been arguing. Or that Stephen had been arguing and Remus had been smiling calmly.

"And when are you going to admit to these people that you're not an historian? That you're really just a poor werewolf?"

Not a historian! Geraldine put a hand over her mouth to stop a sound escaping. And what was werewolf a term for?

"I am a historian. The new laws allowed me to go to university. I managed to get honours in history and go on to further study. It's my doctorate thesis that I'm working on now."

"The history of Oxfordshire? For a doctorate thesis?"

"What is it you're really upset about, Sev - Snape? That I found you, as unintentional as it was? I don't intend to tell anyone you're whereabouts, so your self-imposed exile can continue. Or does this go back earlier? Are you still upset that I kissed you in high school?"

Werewolf must be a word for homosexual in Scotland, Geraldine surmised.

"How about I'm still upset that your friends tried to kill me in high school!"

"Yes. And only two days after that kiss. I'm sure that's why Sirius did it. Still, you're friends managed to kill both of them, so I think you should look at it as even. If I can forgive, surely you can. The vicar would certainly suggest it." Geraldine couldn't believe how calm Remus sounded talking about his friends deaths. Was Stephen in some sort of gang at high school?

"James and Sirius have nothing to do with this!"

"You just said that they do."

Surely Geraldine had never seen Stephen like this. His usual steely control faded in the face of the ... werewolf. What a strange word for a gay man. As she watched Stephen didn't reply, just clenched his fists and gritted his teeth and took deep breaths, obviously to calm down. Then Remus stepped forward and kissed him.

A kiss. A real kiss that Stephen enjoyed if the way his hands crept to the other man's waist and clenched his coat were anything to go by. Thank God she wouldn't have to interfere to get them this far.

"Get off me!" Stephen pushed Remus back, and Geraldine thought there might be some work for her yet.

Then Stephen pulled out a twig and muttered something and Remus suddenly shot backwards, landing heavily in the rosebushes with what seemed to be wings attached to his face.

Geraldine couldn't understand what she'd just seen. Remus pulled out his own piece of wood and whatever he said made Stephen's twig fly into the air.

"It was a kiss, Severus. Hardly cause to hex me."

"Hello Vicar! What are you doing behind that hedge?" Alice, of course.

"Oh, just doing up my shoelace." The two twigs the men were waving had disappeared. "Hello, you two. I hope you weren't waiting too long." She carefully avoided looking at Remus' face.

" _Obliviate!_ " Stephen said, and all was blackness.

* * *

 _Notes from Interview with Frank Pickle (Council Secretary), November 10, 2009_

 _Born Dibley, 1925 and looking remarkably good for age._

 _Parents died of boredom 1965 after a particularly long story of Frank's (somewhat understandable)_

 _Has been taking minutes of parish council since 1945._

 _Could he be anymore boring?_

 _  
**Quite often, yes. You wanted to speak to him.**   
_

_You suggested it._

 _Do you perform memory modifications on villagers often?_

 _  
**I don't find the need to perform magic a lot, so it is rarely needed.**   
_

_And why didn't you do Alice? Her manner suggests she's taken a few too many already - a bit Lockhart after the accident, if you know what I mean._

 _  
**That's how she is naturally. No one believes anything she says, so there's rarely any need. You'll see.**   
_

_So, what is it you do with yourself around here?_

 _  
**I make potions, much like I always have. Aren't you supposed to be listening?**   
_

_Do you want me to die of boredom, too?_

 _  
**Your death of something would certainly make my life easier.**   
_

_Then who would you hex seconds after dry humping their leg?_

 _  
**I wasn't dry humping anything! I was trying to get you off of me since you were acting like the animal you are.**   
_

_You say potato._

 _  
**I was not enjoying the experience, Remus. Not at all.**   
_

_I think you're protesting too much._

 _SS 4 RL 4EVA_

 _Sev and Remus, sitting in a tree..._

 _  
**Oh, do grow up Remus. After all, you're an historian writing a history of Oxfordshire. One would think you'd have matured a little.**   
_

_It's actually a history of the destruction of wizarding villages. Since my family was the last wizarding family here in Dibley I thought I'd start here._

 _  
**My mother was the last of her family here, though the Princes and Lupins were the only ones here for quite a while. I recall my mother's mother talking about a large pure-blood family in the village in times past.**   
_

_Perhaps I can talk to you about your mother's experiences._

 _  
**I suppose so. Day after tomorrow?**   
_

_Of course._

 _Dibley's Vicar in the 80s old man._

 _Current Vicar came in nineties - all surprised it was a woman._

* * *

Geraldine woke wondering where she was and what had happened. She seemed to remember Remus and Severus kissing, but nothing after that.

"What happened?" she mumbled.

"Oh, Vicar. Good, I was starting to get worried."

"Remus?"

"Yes, it's me. You're on my couch. You said you weren't feeling well when you met up with Stephen and I, so I said you could lie down here for a while. Are you quite alright?"

"This is a very large couch."

"It's a day bed. Have some chocolate; it will make you feel better."

"Thank you," she said, gratefully accepting the Curly Wurly he held out.

"You don't remember feeling unwell? Maybe we should get you to the Doctor?"

"No, no. I'll be fine. I saw you kissing Stephen."

Remus turned bright red. "I'm sorry. We probably shouldn't be kissing in front of your church."

"Why not? The Bishop kisses his boyfriend in church all the time. He's a good man, as much as he tries to hide it."

"The Bishop tries to hide how good he is?"

"No, you dummy. Stephen!"

"Vicar, I've known him since we were eleven. I'm well aware of that fact. Unfortunately he's been hurt and is not about to trust me, as much as I want him to." He frowned at the large pile of Curly Wurlys on the coffee table as if they were the ones who'd upset him, then reached for one and took a bite.

"I think you'd be good for him. Let me talk to him."

"Vicar, I don't think…"

"Remus, you just leave it with me."

  
"But Vicar," Alice was saying. "I saw Mr Snape do something to you. I think if Mr Lupin likes him you should warn him not to."

"Alice, we've talked about this before…"

"Unless…" Alice gasped. "Do you think Mr Lupin is a wizard as well? They went to school together. Maybe it was a wizard's school."

"Alice, for the last time, Mr Snape is NOT a wizard!" They turned the corner and walked into Remus who was standing with his mouth open.

"Mr Lupin! Did you go to Wizard's School with Mr Snape?" Alice asked before Geraldine could get a word in.

"I – er…" He looked to Geraldine for help and she quickly shook her head and mouthed no. "No. I didn't."

"Well, you should be careful because I've seen him doing magic and he might be an evil wizard. He does wear a lot of black."

"Alice. Go. Away."

"Alright Vicar. Have a nice day!"

She watched her verger walk away then turned to Remus who still looked dumbfounded.

"You have to ignore a lot of what she says as she's not quite all there. Though this insistence that Stephen's a wizard is lasting longer than usual."

"Err…"

Sometimes she thought Remus was quite slow.

"So, are you on the trail of history today Remus?"

"Oh yes. David's letting me look at some old family records."

"Well, I have some errands to run, so I'll see you later."

Geraldine waddled away towards her errand, which was talking to Stephen Snape about his love life.

"Good morning, Stephen," she said as she walked through the door he was trying not to hold open. "I just need to pick up some more stretchmark cream."

"More? I gave you a jar last week. It should last a month."

"Harry thought it was a spread and used it on his sandwiches." She stuck her finger in the jar she'd picked up. "It does taste very good."

"Just because I tell you it's all natural and safe enough to eat doesn't mean you should." He snatched the jar away and started hunting for a bag amidst the mess that his mail-order business created in the room.

"I like your friend Remus."

"He's not my friend. We barely knew each other."

"That's not what I heard. I heard there was some animosity between you and his friends."

He stopped searching and looked up at her, and for the first time Geraldine got the sense that Harry was right. This was not a man to mess with.

"Since I'm sure that Lupin didn't tell you that, Vicar, I would ask you to please stop listening at keyholes." He pulled a bag from under some address labels, popped the jar in and handed it to her. "If you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

"Stephen, you were at school almost thirty years ago. You can't still be holding a grudge."

"Yes I can, Vicar. Good day."

Geraldine shuffled out the door and jumped as it slammed behind her. It looked like she still had some work to do on Stephen Snape.

* * *

 _Notes from interview with Jim Trott, November 12, 2009_

 _Liked Vicar from the start - why do they all want to talk about the vicar?_

 _She has a hot arse. Of course._

 _Why did you come along today? Did the Vicar bully you again?_

 _  
**I thought you might need some help getting past all the Nos.**   
_

_Thank you._

 _  
**How is your research into wizarding history going?**   
_

_I've been reading the Horton's diary. A very old wizarding family whose line started producing only squibs just prior to World War One._

 _Do you think David knows?_

 _  
**I don't know. Pay attention.**   
_

_Do you still see anyone in the wizarding world?_

 _  
**I have very little to do with it. How did you ever become an historian if you can't even pay attention for longer than five minutes?**   
_

_He's moved on to the vicar's bosom. I'm sure heterosexual males find it fascinating, but there's not a lot of historical significance there._

 _  
**So you'd rather pass notes like we're back in high school?**   
_

_You're far more interesting than the Vicar. No offense to her of course._

 _  
**Pay attention.**   
_

_Perhaps we could discuss your mother's experiences over dinner tonight?_

 _  
**If you start paying attention.**   
_

_OK. The vicar's bosom heaves nicely when she's singing along with the choir._

* * *

Geraldine couldn't go back to Stephen's for more stretch mark cream, so she had to come up with another excuse. She waddled through the village and saw Lupin walking towards the same destination. It appeared that Stephen needed less help than he thought if Lupin was headed to his place with a bottle of wine.

She saw Lupin knock on the door and after he walked in she crept closer to the window, left open to clear the fumes of Stephen's work.

"...very little to do with it? I see your definition of very little is different to mine."

"Whatever do you mean, Lupin?"

"Prince's Perfect Potions. I use Prince's Wolfsbane because it's the best on offer. And they also provide just about everything else through their mail-order service. You have plenty to do with the Wizarding World."

 _Wizarding World?_ Geraldine mouthed to herself. Had Remus been eating the mushrooms that Alice liked to pick in the woods?

"Mail-order means I don't need to interact with it, Lupin. I thought that was obvious."

"So you just sit here and don't tell anyone where you are rather than taking your place with friends and people who are worried about you. You're a war hero, Severus. You should have been at memorials and celebrations rather than living the life of a recluse."

"I'm on the parish council, Remus. It's hardly the life of a recluse."

"You know what I mean."

War hero? Stephen? Geraldine wasn't sure she was hearing right.

"I like my privacy, Remus, and have no wish for gawkers and tourists to be wandering through Dibley to point at me as they've done at Godric's Hollow. That is why I have wards set up." The window above her opened wider. "Remus, please take the vicar with you when you leave."

Geraldine looked up at Stephen and smiled sweetly before everything went black.

* * *

 _Severus,_

 _You agreed we could talk about your mother's experiences. Are you going to stop avoiding me?_

 __

Remus

  
 **  
_Lupin,_   
**

_  
**We can talk about it if you stop hounding me about returning to the Wizarding World.**   
_

_  
**And remember to call me Snape.**   
_

_  
****  
_

Snape.

  


* * *

Geraldine had seen Remus head off to the Senior's club and also to Owen's, but his companion was no longer joining him on the interviews. Obviously they'd had a falling out.

She invited Remus around for afternoon tea to get to the bottom of it.

"It's chocolate mud cake, Remus." She liked the way his eyes lit up at the mention of chocolate. It made her feel a little less alone.

"Thank you, Vicar. Am I here for an interrogation?"

"Of course not!" she replied, wondering where she'd put that lamp to shine in his face. "I'm just wondering how you're settling in."

"Oh, it's a lovely little town, if a bit strange. The history project is allowing me to meet everyone, which is nice."

"And how are things with Stephen?"

He looked at the cake in his hand and took a giant bite.

"Vicar, I'm not normally one to talk about my problems."

"Remus, I'm a member of the clergy. Anything you say goes no further than me and the Lord." She looked at the picture on her wall.

"And Harry?" Remus said looking at the other picture.

"Only if I think he can help."

"Stephen and I have known each other a long time, and I've had a crush on him for nearly as long. But my friends didn't like him and rather bullied him at school. That and the … delinquent tendencies of some of his friends have turned him rather bitter.

"I tried to overcome it while we were working together about fifteen years ago, but he wanted nothing to do with me. Then about ten years ago he up and disappeared. I suggested getting back in contact with our old friends, and that's what has him upset. I think I'll always be too big a reminder of the miserable young man he was."

"Rather than the miserable old man he is?"

"You'd be surprised Vicar, at how much Dibley has mellowed him."

"I think you should apologise to him, and tell him you'll keep old acquaintances out of it for now."

"He won't even open the door for me."

"What do you have on this afternoon?"

"I'm interviewing your verger. Now _there's_ an interesting lady."

"Well, you keep your appointment with Alice, and leave Stephen to me."

She wandered down to Prince's Place and knocked on the front door.

"Vicar," he said with a sigh. "I'm quite busy."

"It's just…" she paused. "I need your advice."

He opened the door fully and she walked in. It was good to know people's weaknesses. Stephen's was the need to feel smarter than everyone else.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"It's Remus. I'm a little worried about him."

"Why?"

"He doesn't seem to be fitting into the village. He eats alone, spends all his time in his house. Do you think he's depressed?"

"No. I think he likes his solitude. As do I. Is that all?"

"Well, I know he's interviewing Alice today and I wondered if you could go help him out. She's so difficult once she gets started, but she's scared of you."

He smiled at that.

"Is this a pathetic attempt to set us up and satisfy your need to see the entire village in pairs like some weird homage to Noah?"

"It's certainly an attempt to get you to forgive someone who wronged you thirty years ago."

"He's forgiven. Done. Do I still need to go to Alice's interview?"

"Yes. Now get going."

* * *

 _Notes from interview with Alice Horton (without S Snape - again) 19 November, 2009_

 _There is a bunny that visits at Easter and brings chocolates_

 _Fairies live in the bottom of the garden and she believes one of them may be her true mother - after all, people often say she is off with the fairies._

 _Mr Snape is a Wizard who puts spells on the Vicar regularly._

 _Question re Vicar_

 _Stayed on as verger after the last Vicar died while giving his sermon._

 _What are you doing here?_

 _  
**If there's anyone you need help with it's Alice Horton**   
_

_I thought you weren't talking to me?_

 _  
**I changed my mind - as long as there's no talk of the Wizarding World or me going back to it.**   
_

_So we can try for dinner tonight? My place - I'll cook._

 _  
**When's the full moon?**   
_

_A week away - you won't be forced to have canine company_

 _  
**Then I agree. Now back to listening to Alice. I'm sure she has fascinating insights into the history of Dibley.**   
_

* * *

It was impossible to miss the fact that Remus and Stephen had made up. Stephen was back to accompanying Remus to interviews, and with a subtle nudge from Remus would often tone down his more sarcastic comments. Remus, although looking quite ill for a time, and locking himself in his cottage for a few days while apparently recovering from a bad bout of flu, was smiling more freely, and eating far less chocolate, which meant more for Geraldine herself.

All in all she thought that her meddling had once again done the job, and if there weren't the affectionate displays all over the village as there had been with Alice and Hugo, there was the odd bit of handholding, and Geraldine had often come upon the couple very suddenly moving apart from each other, Stephen hastily wiping his mouth while Remus did nothing to wipe the silly grin from his face.

Obviously she couldn't perform a marriage for these two - silliest law ever, in her opinion - but she was waiting patiently for the request to perform a commitment ceremony after they'd signed a civil union and she was hoping they'd allow her to wait until after the birth. Christmas was still two weeks away and she was due two weeks after that and it was getting very hard to walk. She'd started sitting down while giving sermons, and Jim and Owen had brought in a beanbag for last weeks discourse on the prodigal son.

Everything was going swimmingly until the stranger turned up.

The woman was tall and wore what could only be described as robes, all in tartan, and as soon as Stephen saw her he yelled at Remus and then there was a flash and she must have fainted again. Honestly, her doctor said it was nothing to worry about, but she really was starting to get worried about the health of the baby.

When she came to, she was still lying on the street with Remus bending over her.

"Honestly, Severus," the woman was saying. "What in Merlin's name are you so upset about?"

"I've already told Remus I don't want to go back, Minerva. Don't think that his inviting you here is going to make me change my mind."

"Whilst it would be lovely to have you and Remus up to the castle for Christmas, this visit isn't about you at all. I was not even aware of your presence here." The woman sent a glare Remus' way. "Much as I know you'll hate to hear it, not everything _is_ about you."

"Who is that?" she asked Remus.

"She shouldn't be awake yet!"

"Maybe she's becoming immune to your memory charms given how often you throw them at her. With what Minerva has told me, we're going to need to tell her the truth anyway."

"Is this the mother, then? Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress of Hogwarts. Pleasure to meet you." The woman, who looked older than time itself, held out her hand.

"I'm not a mother yet," she said struggling to her feet.

"No, Minerva, this is the Vicar of the village. But the parents of the young girl are... a little slow," Remus interrupted.

"Don't tell me. Hugo and Alice gave birth to a witch." Stephen turned to the woman. "The mother has Luna Lovegood's connection to reality with Gregory Goyle's intellect."

"Severus is right, Minerva. If you want to explain this to the parents properly, you'll need to include the girl's grandfather and the vicar. And maybe the vicar would like to include her husband. Shall we all meet at Dibley Manor in fifteen minutes? Severus, you take Minerva, and the Vicar and I will collect Harry and meet you there."

"Harry?" Geraldine heard the woman ask as she walked away.

"Don't worry," Severus replied. "Different Harry."

  
When Geraldine, Harry and Remus arrived at the Horton's house Stephen and the woman - Minerva - were already there. Hugo and Alice were looking confused and David was trying to look urbane, as usual.

"I guess we can get started," said the woman when they walked in.

"Perhaps I can offer everyone a drink before we start whatever this is," David said.

"Are you offering whiskey?" asked Stephen. "Because I could do with a drink."

Everyone murmured their agreement.

"I definitely need one," said Geraldine, to everyone's glares.

David handed her a glass of water and she sat down to sulk.

"Now," said David taking control as he usually does. "What is this all about?"

"First, I might do introductions. This is Minerva McGonagall, who is the current headmistress of the school that Severus and I attended in Scotland."

"Would that be Saint Brutus' or Saint Godric's?" asked Geraldine.

Remus had the grace to blush, though she noticed Stephen didn't. "It's actually called Hogwarts. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Alice gasped and everyone turned to look at her. "I was right! They did go to a wizard's school! Are they going to do magic and make us forget everything like they do to the Vicar?"

"No! No Alice. There won't be any forgetting."

"But Stephen did make the Vicar for -"

"If we can move on!" Stephen interjected. Geraldine wondered if it was against God's law to murder wizards or if only humans counted.

"Yes, Stephen," David said taking control again. Geraldine noticed Minerva was looking rather overwhelmed by the people surrounding her. "Are you here because one of my grandchildren has been accepted to the school? Have we finally stopped breeding squibs?"

At that final word Remus, Stephen and Minerva all looked directly at him. It was a word Geraldine had never heard before but it seemed to strike a chord with them.

"You know," said Remus. "You've always known."

"That the Horton's were once of the oldest, most respected Wizarding families in the last century until we started breeding only squibs? Of course I know. We pass the story down through the generations once our children are old enough to understand. Of course David has never quite reached that level of understanding. I was going to skip a generation and tell the story to my grandchildren."

"I'm sorry! Did you put LSD in the water and not tell me? Are you telling me that Alice is right and these two are wizards, and that David actually believes it?"

"We are wizards."

"No you're not. You're a slightly doddering historian, and he's a particularly good producer of all-natural, organic cosmetics. _She_ looks like an escapee from the old folk's home. No offence."

"None taken. Severus, you make cosmetics?" Minerva sniggered.

"I run Prince's Perfect Potions, Minerva, and offer the Vicar some good hand cream on the side," he said with great dignity.

"Minerva, would you mind proving that you're a witch?"

She nodded, and then turned into a cat.

The woman _turned_ into a cat.

A cat.

"Harry, that woman turned into a _cat_."

Then everything went dark again.

  
When she woke up she was in the upstairs bedroom of Horton Hall. Harry was beside her.

"How did I get up here?"

"Remus floated you up. It was certainly something to see. He said this would make you feel better."

The packaging said _Honeydukes_ , and when she opened it there was chocolate inside. Possibly the best chocolate she had ever eaten.

"What's going on?"

"It seems young Geraldine is a witch, and will be off to school in Scotland next September. Alice thinks it's due to the fairy prince that impregnated her mother, Hugo hasn't said anything since that woman turned into a cat, and David looks pleased as punch that it was his line that produced a witch. You just fainted. The doctor came round and said you were to get complete bed rest until it's time for the birth."

"Harry, I still have the Christmas sermon. It's the biggest day of my year."

"Remus blames Stephen and said that they'll take care of everything."

  
Geraldine discovered that having wizard's as friends made everything easier. They somehow transported her straight to her bedroom, in a way that left her vomiting over the side of her bed, but saved on the walking. Remus brought her large amounts of very delicious chocolate and they set up a small Christmas tree that had real icicles hanging from it that never melted.

And with her being allowed to know about the whole wizard thing, Remus shared their history - school, a war, teaching together and another war - over a giant bag of triple-choc biscuits.

But despite the care they took with her, it was clear that they were once again fighting. They took great pains to not touch each other and spent as little time in each other's presence as possible.

One day, a few days before Christmas, Remus was leaving as Severus was walking in, and she could hear their disagreement through the door.

"Severus, can we talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"No tourists have come wandering past your house, so obviously Minerva has respected your wishes, so why is your house still warded against me?"

"Because I don't want to see you, Remus. I thought I did, but I was wrong, and I'd appreciate it if you kept your distance."

Geraldine heard a thump against her door, and thought Remus must have pushed Severus up against it.

" _This_ betrays you, Severus. Your touch betrays you and the way you melt in my arms betrays you."

"You're a sentimental fool, Lupin."

Then the door opened and Stephen was stumbling inside.

"Is this because Geraldine is a witch?" she asked Severus a moment later. "Or is it because that headmistress showed up?"

He just looked at her.

"Perhaps it's just because you're too scared to show someone that you care."

"I'm sure that's it," he said, placing the jar he was holding on her bedside table and turning to leave.

"Severus, I spent ten years in this little town alone. The villagers are a wonderful bunch of people, but they're not the sort you want holding you at night, or taking care of you when you're sick. They won't be looking back at you from over the breakfast table, and I certainly wouldn't be asking Frank or Owen to help with any ... urges ... that you might get." She thought for a moment. "Though Frank would probably say yes."

Severus smirked.

"What I'm saying," she continued. "Is that if you've found someone that's seen you at your absolute worst - and for you that's pretty bad - and he still wants to do grotesque things to you to bring you pleasure, then you should hold onto that man with both hands."

This time he looked thoughtful, and she realised that she really should add _matchmaker_ to her business cards.

"I happen to know he's interviewing David today. I'm sure they'd both love to see you."

* * *

 _Interview with David Horton (no Severus again - alas!) 23 December 2009_

 _Found female vicar terrible - tried to get her fired on numerous occasions._

 _Ended up being best thing in village._

 _Here again?_

 _  
**Yes. The Vicar sent me.**   
_

_Of course._

 _Chained herself to church to stop village getting flooded_

 _  
**Because she knew I was being an idiot**   
_

_As usual_

 _  
**You could help you know?**   
_

_What is it you're trying to say?_

 _  
**That I want to do grotesque things to you to bring you pleasure**   
_

_Like setting out my slippers?_

 _  
**If that's what the kids are calling it these days**   
_

_And?_

 _  
**And I want to do them to you every night, and share breakfast with you every morning**   
_

_  
**If that's okay with you.**   
_

_I guess we could give it a shot._

 _  
**Do you suppose David always turns that ugly shade of red when people aren't paying attention to him?**   
_

_It's possible he's about to have an apoplexy. We should go back to the interview._

* * *

By Christmas everything was back to normal. Remus was surreptitiously gliding his fingers along Stephen's arm again, and Stephen had stopped growling at everyone and was back to his normal medium level of grumpiness.

The two wizards waved their wands about and set up a loudspeaker so she could do her sermon from bed, and then waved them again and presented a table in her bedroom with a traditional Christmas dinner on it and she wondered what she ever did before she found a couple of wizards to become best friends with. Then when she pointed out that they were standing under the mistletoe Severus turned to Remus and kissed him, bold as you please to applause from the rest of the council.

She was just about to open her present from Remus when her water's broke and she and Harry rushed off to the hospital. It was early on the twenty-sixth that the hard work was done and she was holding her little girl in her arms.

"A baby girl," she said.

"Yes." Harry was obviously smitten. "Our little girl. Her adoptive family want to see her as well."

Everyone filed in and presented presents and kisses and Geraldine wondered again what she'd done to be this lucky.

"The last present is this," Remus said, presenting her with a bound book. "Women in dog collars: A history of female vicars through the eyes of Dibley.

"Oh, Remus. The history wasn't meant to be about me."

"Vicar, you are the only thing they wanted to talk about. Congratulations." He kissed her cheek. "And thank you."

* * *

"Okay Alice. Here's one about a baby.

"Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

"When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward. Twenty three of them are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"'Isn't it wonderful?' one of them exclaims. 'All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'

"The nurse says 'He's happy now. But just wait until we take the dummy out of his ass.'"

"Vicar, that's not where you put the dummy, you know."

"Alice, it's a joke."

"I'm sure it would hurt the poor little thing. The dummy goes in her mouth."

"Alice, I know."

"Do you know that, Vicar? Do you really? If you need any help with looking after the baby, you can call me. I've raised ten of them. And I can make sure you know where to the dummy."

"Alice, it's a - oh, bugger it. Remus! Stephen! Come here. I've got a joke for you."

  


Bless you for reading

  



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